Winning the War on Terror

Dear Mr. President,

Since 9/11 I don’t fly if I don’t have to because flying is such a hassle now. However, a family emergency required it. With only a small carryon, I zipped through security outbound but not on the return. The usual routine: my bag on the conveyor belt, shoes and watch off, empty my pockets. But I’m informed I also have to take off my belt. That’s different. On to the metal detector. Too late I realize it’s not a metal detector but a body scanner. Still, an agent pats me down before letting me proceed. As I retrieve my belongings I notice a half dozen agents around the X-ray machine, an air of excitement but also a certain gravitas, and realize, since I’m the only passenger in sight, it’s my bag they’re discussing. A young man wearing latex gloves and a blue TSA uniform with military-style epaulettes informs me that he has to run my bag through the X-ray again. More agents cluster around the machine. Finally, the young man says he has to go through my bag. “Is there anything in it I should be aware of?” Nope. He empties it and carefully inspects each item; the same with my toilet kit. When finished, he brings everything to me and asks if I’d like help repacking. No. “Sorry Sir, I have to confiscate this,” and holds up my near-empty tube of toothpaste. “Why?” I ask. “It’s over the limit.” “Why didn’t they confiscate it in San Francisco on the way up?” “SFO has contractors, not TSA.” “What’s your limit for toothpaste?” “3 ounces.” “But there’s obviously less than 3 ounces in that tube.” “We go by capacity and the tube says 8.2 ounces.” He clutches the tube to his chest like a hard-won trophy. “What a total waste this is,” and I wave my arm at the entire security apparatus, the dozen or so agents standing around with nothing to do. He stares at me then walks away. As I repack my bag, I notice the corkscrew I couldn’t find in my toilet kit. It strikes me, Mr. President, that scenes like this go on every day at airports all over the country; mindless drones manning security checkpoints, not a lick of common sense, just follow orders and rules like good little Nazis. How many terrorists are caught at these checkpoints, anyway? The shoe bomber, the underwear bomber, the crazies that rant and rage, all subdued not by TSA agents but by fellow passengers. Our illegal wars have come home and we are prisoners of fear and paranoia held hostage by phantom threats and plots. Our freedoms erode and our lives constrict. Al Qaeda has won the War on Terror.