The 51st State?

Dear Mr. President,

How’s that “smart” war in Afghanistan working out for you? Isn’t it getting harder to keep pasting smiley faces on it and see light at the end of the tunnel or the latest turned corner or some kind of fragile progress or whatever the line of bullshit is this week? I mean, here we are training these Afghan security forces, giving them uniforms and humvees and weapons and stuff, and soon as our trainers train them how to shoot, they turn around and shoot our guys. What a bunch of ingrates! I mean, even a young boy, a tea server on one of our bases, sprayed machine gun fire into a gymnasium and killed 3 Marine trainers a few weeks ago. What the heck’s going on, Mr. President? Where’s Homeland Security? Where’s the Transportation Safety Administration? (I keep remembering that TSA guy who nailed my almost-empty tube of toothpaste at the Spokane airport last month, keeping our flight safe from terrorists.) And it just seems to be getting worse; we don’t trust them, they don’t trust us, everybody’s pointing a gun at everybody else… I don’t know, maybe we should just bring the troops home and let those Afghan ingrates figure it out on their own. If they want the Taliban back, I say let them have it. If they think Mullah Omar’s better than Hamid Karzai, then what the heck, they deserve what they get, right? They sure don’t get democracy in spite of the trillions we’ve spent protecting them from Sharia law—all those stoning and hand choppings and burqas and beard police and stuff. Not to mention all the smart bombs and missiles, all our troops staying up late nights to break down doors and arrest suspected insurgents, all those helicopter raids and drone strikes, all wasted on these benighted ignoramuses. I think it’s hopeless. I think the only winnable strategy is to surge about 400,000 troops over there, install our own government and declare Afghanistan the 51^st state. (Wow! Now there’s a job creation program for you!) Either that or get out and let bygones be bygones. I hate to say I told you so, but I think your smart war went sour on you and turned into just another dumb war. I think you got some really bad advice from somebody—maybe the generals, maybe your advisers—and now you’re in deep shit. Don’t feel bad though, Mr. President, everybody makes mistakes, even Imperial Presidents. But I’d say it’s time to cut your losses, declare victory and head for the exits. And don’t forget to vote for Jill Stein for President on November 6!