What Don't They Get?

Dear Mr. President,

What is it with these people in the Middle East anyway? We spend trillions of dollars on decade-long wars to make the world safe for democracy and 70% of those people think we’re the second biggest threat to security and stability in the region? Second only to Israel? Even our two biggest allies believe that nonsense? Egypt ($1.3 billion a year in military aid—you might want to consider cutting that off) and Saudi Arabia (not exactly a model of democracy but they do sell us a lot of oil, 20% more last year than in 2010). What don’t these people get? We free Afghanistan from the bloody hand of the Taliban, topple Saddam in Iraq, help the Freedom Fighters of Libya kill Muammar Qaddafi, Mubarak’s gone, Saleh’s gone, Ben Ali’s gone, Assad is going, bin Laden's dead, and still they think we’re a threat to peace in the region? Just because we invaded Iraq under false pretenses, blew everything up including their government and they still don’t have dependable electricity, water, sewage or much of anything else including safe streets and markets, let alone justice or a government that works? Just because Hamid Karzai and his cronies in Afghanistan have looted the country—and the U.S. taxpayer—gained a reputation as one of the most corrupt governments on the face of the earth and done nothing for their people? Just because Libya’s still in chaos? Just because we’re threatening to invade another country or two if they don’t do what we say? Come on, Mr. President, teach these benighted ignoramuses a lesson about how democracy really works. Show them what capitalism can do, how war is business in more ways than one. Kick some more ass, fly more drones, launch more Hellfires, unleash Israel to take out those imaginary Iranian reactors. Bring real peace to the region. Earn that Nobel Peace Prize. I know you don’t listen to anyone but the innermost of inner circle but here’s my advice: do it quick in case Mitt pulls off an upset. Who knows what that guy might do? With all his flipping and flopping he might bring the troops home and get a Nobel Peace Prize too. Or, as clueless as he is, he might actually start Armageddon and inadvertently give joy to the Evangelicals, you know, the end days, the latter days, the second coming, the Rapture and all that? Think about it, Mr. President, bizarre things happen when people get power. You’re a perfect example. Who would have ever thought a Nobel Peace Prize winner was actually a war criminal?